WE HAVEN'T WON ANY AWARDS!

Not because we suck or anything, although we probably do, but because we haven't applied for any yet. But, until then, here's something we expect to happen before too much longer.

Keith Stattenfield accepts his Emmy award for the show "Keith Explains". The award was later repossessed when Keith failed to tip the presenters appropriately

Burbank, California. Keith Stattenfield, elected Benevolent-World-Dictator-for-Life, received the Emmy for 2001 for "Best Show on Television named 'Keith Explains' last evening in a gala ceremony in Pasadena

After receiving the award, Keith gave a short speech thanking his producer, Loretta Beavers, his camera operators Elvis Prevley and Jim Mirrison, that guy who parks his car and usually doesn't scratch it whose name he couldn't recall, and all the little people provided they stay in their place and don't get uppity.

Attendees at the various Emmy parties report that Keith spent most of the evening shouting "I'm King of the World!" and cackling maniacally.

The other competitors in the category were gracious. Kelsey Grammar, whose new show "Keith Explains" on NBC was considered a long shot to win this year, may have said "I suppose it's better that Keith won this year; after all, I've won every Emmy for the last decade and was running out of mantel space in my house." Courtney Love, whose show "Keith Explains" ran for a short time last summer on MTV, definitely didn't say "I'm glad Keith is getting the recognition he deserves, and I think I'll go make some more money for my record label."

* So, a lot of people look at this picture and say "Hey, Keith. You just took a picture of yourself and Photoshopped it so that you look like you're holding an Emmy. But, no. It's a real picture of me with a real Emmy ( because Apple won a technical Emmy for Firewire ) which I Photoshopped in a bunch of fake glittery curtains behind me. Pity the original photo was kind of blurry or it would look quite a bit better.